Plymouth

Apparently there are 5 of these "Britain's Ocean City" signs around Plymouth (I've seen 2- one at the Tamar bridge and one at deep lane) and they cost £85k.

What moron came up with the Ocean city slogan? We're 100 miles away? At least the pot hole one is true.

praise the "vandal" who did this. Why waste money on these signs when there are potholes that could be fixed i say,

Sign of the times.

In the "not quite true" Plymouth signs series this is apparently the next one-

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Picture above and this poem nicked from Plymouth crap for sale facebook account-

Muff and proud.

Welcome to the Muff everyone
on the map we're the bottom bit.
That's us between Cornwall an Exeter
a jewell in the middle of shit

Yeah we got some places you shouldn't go
some you really got to miss.
Like Bretonside for example,
it's full of tramps and stinks of piss.

But go up the Oe and you will see
just what we got to offer.
But don't forget if the weathers shit
I wouldn't feckin bother

The sea that you are looking at
has been mixed with potion.
Our council cast a crazy spell,
its now the feckin ocean.

Jump on a bus for a REAL day out,
go right into the depths.
Don't feck about with the aquarium
or those shitty Mayflower steps.

Stover, Efford, Witlee
even Swilly if you dare
but try not to forget your stab vest
If you're going dan the Square.

Onik No, And Erney can be fun
to pass away the hours
But if its crack or smack your after,
get off at Demport Towers

The locals here are friendly
and will want to stop and chat.
Just remember to avoid the one who asks
"Whatchu luckin at?"

If you feel like dining out
We got Rhodes, Whitingstall and Tanners
But nothing beats a real hot oggie
made by feckin Janners.

You see, posh food is all well and good
but if you'd rather spend a fiver,
and a pasty is just not your thing
then ram in a Jasperizer.

Shopping is big, leave the car at home
there's just nowhere to park it.
Unless you sneak into Toys R Us
and feck off up the market

If shopping malls are what you want
the the Muff has a couple for you.
Drakes has about 50 shops,
the Armada Centre bout 2.

The night life's ok down the street,
it's full of pissed up Janners.
If you ain't got I.D. and look about 12
your best bets OSheAnners.

There really is lots to do
from Millbay and its whores
To fishing all along the sound
or Erkey on the moors

We've got chavs and goths and freaks
and some places smell just funky
But you've got to take your hats off,
We may get Biebers Monkey

We got our snobs in the Muff,
Plympton and Plymstock we could name.
But they aint no better than the rest,
their shit still smells the same.

Sharon Davies, Dawn and Tom represent,
for that you cannot knock.
But it's bird man that defines the place,
you must have seen his cock?

Our sporting teams are not that good,
the futures not so bright
But with Tom him in his pants and Locke on his bike
we might not look so shite.

We're not all smack 'eds, thieves or twats,
in fact most of us are gentle.
There is one thing that is for sure,
we are all fockin mentoe.

So bollocks to all the haters,
stand up and shout it loud.
We know we may be slightly crap
but we're MUFF AND FOCKIN PROUD.

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Plymouth Uni Student Survival Yearbook. (Male edition)

Welcome fellow students to the finest Uni in Plymouth.
Now before you hit the Bargain Booze on Mutley Plain, please take a few moments to read our handy survival guide which is packed with lots of tips on making your time in the Muff as bearable as possible.
Each section will partly help you in your studies and general well being but will mostly help you in the main reason why you’re here…..to get some fanny.

Section 1. Accommodation.
You have probably settled into your accommodation by now and are thinking “what a feckin shit hole”? Don’t fret, you’re a student, you aint got a job. What did expect? A feckin penthouse over looking the harbour? Get over it you lazy tw@t.
Chances are you have met your new house mates and everyone is trying to suss each other out. Who’s the stud, who’s the sensible one, who’s the funny one and so on and so on. Each halls/house will have a right annoying, wanky, knob head prick who everyone hates and will try to avoid. If you take a look around and are now thinking “nah not here in our house, everyone’s alright” That’s because its you!! You didn’t think someone pissed on your bed by accident did you?
Keep your door locked at all times and sell anything of any value before someone does it for you. You need a bed, some carrier bags for your clothes and a box of Kleenex. That’s it. Maybe a bit of deodorant wouldn’t go a miss but most of our students don’t bother.
If you break anything in the shared facilities make sure you NEVER own up to it. Just leave it on the floor and walk away. You’re a student, lying will become second nature.
Now for the important bit, you will defo not 100% get any fanny during the first couple of months in your halls/flat. The ladies will all have boyfriends back home that they desperately miss and wouldn’t dream of cheating on. Hang on in there, they will. Until then, get the internet sorted, it’s what it was invented for.

Section 2. Your grant.
Because you have ended up at the Muff this probably means that mummy and daddy aren’t that well off so you need to rely on a grant. Remember that you will have to pay this back at some point. Here is how it works so you don’t get into financial trouble:
The government will give you a whack of money each year to spend on whatever the feck you want. Drugs, vodka, pot noodles, whores, crazy golf, more drugs, anything except Uni shit. You must remember that eventually you will have to pay it back. This is where it becomes complicated. You will have to pay 50p a month for 5 years once your 3rd child reaches the age of 15. You only have to do this if you are earning over £45,000 a year and your mortgage payments are not over £700 a month and then only if you have more than £35,000 savings in an bank account in Hawaii.
I know, bastards aint they? But be fair you did borrow it in the first place!
Section 3. Out and about.
You’re a student so all youre interested in is getting wankered and laid. Most of the time you will need to choose which one. Getting wankered will automatically win. The cheaper the piss the better. Don’t help the economy along by going to the pub, in fact help our fight to get pubs shut down by buying your booze from the supermarket. For every pub we get shut down, we’ll get a new shop that sells a litre of vodka for a fiver.
Mutley/North Hill is the probably the best place to stumble around once you’re proper wasted. Be careful though, it’s only you and other wrecked students that think dancing with a traffic cone on your head is funny. Don’t be offended by a broken jaw. You were being a dick after all.
Getting fanny will be difficult as you will be covered in sick, blood and probably a bit of shit. Some women are fussy about that sort of thing. If you can manage to get to Jesters though you never know.
Eating out is simple. If you aint got any dried noodles left then its Dominoes. No questions.

Section 4. Studying.
feck that. Do it all in the final 4 weeks.
No one likes a swot. No chance of getting any fanny in the library. Have you seen the munters in there?

Section 5. Getting some fanny.
Because you’re a student you will smell, you won't have nice clothes, you will look dirty, you won't have any money, you won't have a job, you can't afford a car, you have no prospects, you’ll be boring when sober and a tw@t when drunk. Who in their right mind would go near you? That’s right, other students. Remember, every holes a goal so fill your feckin boots.